current song: the promise ring my life is at home
i'm better now. but it's scary that thoughts thoughts live inside me.
i'm better now. but it's scary that thoughts thoughts live inside me.
this summer really fucked me up. i don't know why i let that happen to me. i don't know why i thought something good would happen. turns out i'm the same old sad person i've always been.
life is ridiculous. the number of distractions is astounding. but distractions from what? what am i really supposed to be doing? i miss love. so many stupid obligations busy me. not like i have anyone, but i really miss that. you can memorialize a facebook account of a dead person. and i still think about becker every day. i feel really negative right now and as if all i ever do is lose people. i was born without a dad, i have a dead half brother i never knew, two other siblings i don't know, lost becker, lost boyfriends that sucked, put all my hope in whoever and they get lost too.
i use people and act like i don't realize it, but i do. i knew it ten years ago, i knew it last year. and then i get used and let it ruin my life. why do i have to build each thing up as the one thing that will save me? why do i get like this?
i know this will pass and that this is in itself a celebration of distractions, what i really need to be doing is writing my thesis. time is fucking up. i guess i am just really lazy. i want to be an amazing person but i just am not. oh and a kitten i rescued died so there's that and another thing i will never get used to.
i miss you. i miss being friends with you and all that other junk. we fit in that bed and it didn't even matter.
why do i care about someone who does. not. give. a. fuck. it's sick.
we were never even friends.
i keep changing things around to finally make everything peaceful, quit my job, quit my other job, think i'll be fine at an old job i hated, change my major, waste all my fucking time. it's really just all me.
i really really really made a concerted effort to lighten up about this summer but it keeps coming back and hitting me over the head, weighing me down in my chest.
i wasn't sad when i was a kid, why am i so sad?
and all i wanna do is make my friends laugh, and love someone.
I have been moved to update!
I got back from Austin a couple hours ago. I got there Friday night. When I got there I went to Tyler and Amelia's house. Amelia was out at a lawyer thing so I just hung out with Tyler. He updated me on Driver Friendly news (engine died, no driver, merch woes) and we opened his boxes from Amazon with his Warped Tour supplies--can I just say that I am so proud of and happy for my boys. The smarter kids at Warped will love DF. I will miss 'em but I'm looking forward to the video updates daily.
Amelia came home and told me about the latest from her work. I don't know how she does it. She recently filed her first two lawsuits and now they are trying to deport the woman she filed the first one for. These people were held in prison for almost three months when they were only legally allowed to be held for 3 days. It's such a fucking shame. The frustrating thing is Amelia has done absolutely everything she can, but they've just gotten every single bad card stacked against them as far as delaying the deportation hearing. I am thinking positive thoughts and praying for a miracle. It's just not fair; the woman does not deserve to be kicked out of the country forever. So much bullshit in the South; I can't.
After catching up the three of us went to Maudie's where we were joined by Carmen. We had a good time (horrible waiter, naturally--side note: There is only 1 good waiter in Austin, that guy who went from Kerbey to Bouldin Creek and talks like a super sweet ninja turtle... wish I could remember his name). We went to T's D's (still not sure on the correct spelling of the name of the house) before going to Liberty for a bit.
It took a fucking year and a day to get everyone to decide who was going, who wasn't, who was gonna drive. I was the only girl game to go (I rly wanted to see hipsters dammit) but Amelia ended up coming, which I was so grateful for. Tyler drove Amelia, me, Ryan, and Logan. Logan was a hotass mess with his crew socks and baseball cap. Pretty funny but pretty stressful keeping track of him. Ryan was hysterical as always and like ran to the car and sat next to me. At Liberty we all shot the shit and then Casey and Tomas showed up. Tomas to say the least was in a nostalgic mood and therefore said my crush looked like a douche. Rewd. He started talking in Spanish and I told him I hated his accent. I left Ame to fend for herself (sry) and went to talk to Casey and Levi. Eventually I got to talk to Ryan a bit and eventually we left all in one piece. Ryan was super cute in the car and after we dropped him off we texted a bit and it made me really happy.
He is unlike anyone I've ever been interested in. He likes sports, he's a rowing coach, and he is NOT in a band! He doesn't even play an instrument, thank god. He's pretty much a jock, in high school terms, but he majored in film and psych. Rowers have nice bods btw. Anyway we had texted for a week and a half before I got there (He didn't start texting me until he broke up with his long distance girlfriend to be fair). He is so fucking funny. I'd only had a crush on him for six months but I didn't do anything to make it happen because I'm not a fucking dick, and he had no idea I liked him, which he now thinks is very funny.
Anyway we got back to Tyler and Amelia's place. Ame went to bed and Tyler and I had another beer and watched The Killing in Ty's boyroom. Went to bed at 4 and woke up at 11 to get ready for BOAT PARTY WHICH IS WHY I STARTED THIS ENTRY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I woke up and went to Randall's and Walgreens looking for a damn floaty. Got an iced coffee in the process and was quite conversational with the check out person at Walgreen's. I bought some 99 cent Longhorn flip flops (They have to let me into the grad school now, right?). When I got back to Ty and Ame's Ty was leaving to go get ice so Amelia and I talked and drank coffee and grazed over some bfast foods. We took some body showers ril quick then went to the boys' house to park. Walked over to the new house to board the party bus, which was a hilarious blue school bus. We were all on the bus like a buncha third graders with alcohol. Realized Ricky was missing and someone called him. He decided, despite all the messages on the event page, to go to Tyler's house. He made it in time and we left for the water place.
The ride there was so fun, just singing songs and dancing and being annoying. Ryan was wearing a Chik fil a shirt, which, again, was really freaking funny to me. We got to the water place rather quickly, stood around sweating and blowing up our floaties (not a good combo, Dickie eventually did mine for me on the boat, what a babe).
Got on the boat which was a two story type pontoon boat thingy. We had a cool driver and crew guy who spent the whole time snorkeling around. We finally got into the pizza and beer and put on some music. I was sorta scared of the water but nothing happened and it was really clean and pretty actually. I went out floating with Amelia, Laurel, and Carmen, and then some more people joined us and we formed a little friends floatilla. At one point it was all classic gang people and Carmen was like "this is so 2008" which was really funny.
The thing about this group is that there are 44 people who are all close friends. These days it's like half Woodlands half Nacogdoches and some randos (I would be one of the randos from inside the loop). Everyone was nice and throwing us beers or taking turns swimming the trash back. It was just so fun. The girls all relaxed and got drunk and Ame was like showing off her bikini wax and Carmen was trying to show us her butt and she ended up falling out of her float. Jeremi and I talked about Before Midnight and Dane and Renee came over. We would all work together to paddle away from the other boats.
There was one point where I went up to the second floor and walked in on a boys only photoshoot. It was so funny. Then I got roped into some photos with Jay that are classic Jay/Noey. Ryan was being the director and was praising me for the disgusted look on my face. It was so fun. Ryan kept trying to get me to go down the slide but I wasn't having it.
At one point most everyone was taking a pizza break but I went out in the water on my own (I probably had to pee, honestly). Ryan came out and hung out and we got to talk just the two of us. It was really nice. That was one of the best parts of the day. I was glad he came out to me. He said later he was nervous hahahah. He's so cute. We talked about the Format (he is a legit format fan, like me, it's weird) and Fun and shows and the sun and other drunky stuff.
Pretty soon we were forced to go back (we had 4 hours with the boat) so there were some Nacky gang/Woodlands gang pics taken that are really funny because in both of them you can see the other group trying to infiltrate the pic and getting shoved out. I think I was just sitting on my ass at that point.
The party bus ride back was just nasty. I sat in the back with Ryan. This one guy was obsessed with doing stripper moves and this poor girl like belly flopped down the middle. Dancing ensued. I eventually went up to the front I think but I honestly don't remember this part. We eventually arrived back at the new house and everyone got out and was milling around loudly on the lawn. I realized I had just walked off the bus without any of my shit so I ran back on but it was empty, I went back out, and Ryan was holding my towel and water bottle. We defected and walked over to his house.
We went up to his room and ate pop rocks like we planned. It was not. great. We both hated it. Then we compared emojis and then he leaned over and kissed me. We laid down and kissed and talked and napped for the next couple hours. Eventually went downstairs where there was a little after party going on. We thought it would be a good idea to drink this melted margarita stuff that had been sitting out all damn day. We played mario kart with some of the people there. I somehow got stuck playing King Boo which was totally bogus cause he's so fat. Ryan paused the game when I asked him to because I needed to put on my glasses. Little things like that, or getting my stuff off the bus, made me really happy. He's just really nice. I am used to not so nice guys. Also I beat him at Mario Kart when it was just the two of us. But then he beat me the second time. I am a little impressed with myself IF I do say so myself.
Eventually we went back up stairs and of course my stomach started hurting like a bitch. Ryan blames the "prom juice" margarita stuff he made us drink, and he may be right but I told him it wasn't. But every time he said prom juice I wanted to throw up. He got me tums and two kinds of ibuprofen. I feel like the last guy I dated would have been like "there's some ibuprofen in the bathroom," but Ryan got it for me. And some ice water. He's just so NICE, like who knew nice people existed still?
We did not sleep a lot. We did kissy talky with some short naps. He has a twin bed with a denim comforter which I made fun of a lotttttt. Oddly enough for two tall-ies we were extremely comfortable in the bed. We woke up the next day thinking about what we wanted to get to eat and we decided on P. Terry's. Checked the time and it was 9:45 a.m. Oops. So we went downstairs instead and he made me a bagel and cereal and orange juice. I was feeling queasy as fuck so we both ate very little. We watched Kitchen Nightmares (me for the first time) and Ryan was like so embarrassed that it was not a great episode (very little yelling) and I gave him a little bit of a hard time, only because I do the same irrational thing. I was like, I am judging you because this episode of TV is bad. The episode took a CRAZY turn where the host guy Gordon Ramsey basically forced these two people to get married haahahahaha it was so funny. We were both pretty shocked after that.
We went back upstairs and decided that I was feeling so bad because I was being awake through the part of a hangover one usually sleeps through. So we just laid there with the fan on and slept a little. I woke up and felt MUCH better. We decided to go to P. Terry's and see a movie. He had never been to the indoor P. Terry's and was pretty impressed by it. The drafthouse was sold out so we went to a janky theater. We saw This is the End which actually was really funny and had lots of great parts (lots of gross parts too--but not too many). It was really funny. The ending is unbeatable. Like seriously. Worth it. Also Jonah Hill was somehow my favorite part. And Danny McBride was priceless. And Emma Watson. And I will always love Seth Rogen. Anyway funny movie. Ryan and I were dying.
Oh man. The way Ryan smiles at me. It's like. I've never seen anything like it before. And I can't stop smiling either. Also I have pretty much never looked more disgusting in front of a boy before. Boat party and no shower. But I wasn't self conscious at all, for like the first time ever. Then I would go to the bathroom and be like YEESH who is that ghoul? But it didn't matter.
We went back to his house and looked at pictures from BP with Jay Caleb and Taylor. So funny. Ryan and I hung out for a bit before I watched MAD MENNNNNN with Jay. Ryan played halo w/ some of those boys. MAD MEN WAS SO GREAT AH so many balls in the air (AD ref).
I stayed another night and was nice and comfy with Ryan. Finally had to leave this morning. He was nice and walked me out (no trying to run out of a fucking gate as someone unlocks it from their room, Christ) and was just a babe and a half.
So now I'm home and feeling better that I got all this out because I think I will want to be able to read all these details. Ryan let me borrow one of his shirts (because I actually spit water out on myself when he said something super funny (mess)). He says its his sick shirt but it shrank too much so now I can have it. I somehow doubt he will be asking for it back unlike someone I once dated.
I feel really good. Ryan just called me after his job interview (I helped him redo his resume before he sent it in). He has another interview later this week. I have absolutely no idea what if anything is going to happen between us. But I had always wanted to know him better and I learned a lot about him this weekend. Also we spent like two days together and it just felt nice and normal and it wasn't like I just felt that way, he did, too. Because he would tell me. What kind of person knows Format bsides and 40 yr old Springsteen songs??? Besides me of course. Tip top weekend.
Going back to Austin in two weeks to go wedding dress shopping with Laurel!! I am SO excited. I love WDS and I can't wait to see how pretty Laurelle will look in her dress eeeeeeeeek.
Good weekend. Definitely had no idea that's where it was going but I'm glad it all happened.
Can't wait to move back to Austin in January. Just gotta sweat it out this summer, one more semester, Christmas, then GTFO.
Shit coming up: back to Austin July 6, BEYONCE KING B July 15, fucking going to MICHIGAN (my actual fave place in the world) July 25-August 3, school starts Aug 26, submit UT app 9/1, fucking cancun for Carmen's bachelorette 9/18-22, Literature GRE 9/28, reg GRE after that, finish thesis, fucking graduate finally god dammit YESSSS in december, exit houston and go back to austin, get a job (Varsity Tutors) and find out if I make it into the graduate program in March.
This year is definitely a billion times better than the last.
-got a job in my field
-broke up with ron
-becoming myself again
-became closer with andy and dane arguably
-still besties with claire
-saw springsteen at south by
-went back to school in january
-reunited with my austin besties
-made my grand return to christmanavidad
-got good grades
-my hero/mentor/guide/favorite professor becker died. this is something i deal with every day.
-witnessed the death of helpless kittens
my focus right now is to just be who i am. if i catch myself doing something untrue i will correct it as soon as possible. i'm currently hanging out with a new person who just is happy to have me be me. it's pretty cool. and that's all i want. just to stop thinking so much. i need to focus on school and write a good thesis and stay on course to go to grad school.
i'm grateful for my friends standing by me and being understanding and let me come back and for loving me so much. i'm grateful i finally had the strength to get out of a terrible relationship and know that i would never go back (again). i am looking forward to trying to dedicate some time to myself and thinking about what i want and how to just be myself. cause what's the point in being anything else? i want to be fair and honest and i don't want to take the easy road anymore. i'm excited. and i got this sweet darkness on the edge of town tee. ok bye journal.
the other day she was looking really sick. and then we gave her medicine and she would eat on her own and drink on her own. and today she wanted to be held all the time. she would run at me and jump into my lap. she had to be near me. then we reached a certain point where she couldn't hold her head up anymore, couldn't walk anymore. so i held her while i studied for my vietnam final. i put her in the crate to sleep and she just flopped over. i called my mom crying. my mom said to put her in a separate crate and that i shouldn't have to see that and that she was sorry. i left her alone for a little bit but i couldn't stand it. i brought her into the hallway facing her brother and sister. she started making these weird, long crying noises. i got my pillow and laid in the hallway with her. she was in the little carrier with the door open and i was lying next to her looking in. every once in a while should would take a big breath and let out a little wail. it was horrible. she was crying. i told her i was sorry over and over and that i loved her and that i was sorry i couldn't have saved her. after an hour of those little cries she let out a really big wail, like a scream, it was so big it made her little legs move and her head move. i moved the carrier a little bit so i could still see in her eyes still. a few minutes later she started stretching out her legs and then slowly retracting them close to her and she was gone.
we called her buddha and bertha because she was the biggest and hungriest out of the six. legray died on thursday. he was one of the smallest. claire has orangey and blackie (we didn't want to name them so as to not get attached) left. i have small torty and bengal (who i am calling jack anyway). the other night when things were looking rough for buddha i told my mom about it and she told me i had to give her a real name, that they can't die nameless. so her new name was cora because she had a little orange heart on her forehead. claire's waking up at 5 to check on her kittens and i am dreading telling her. i hope to god blackie is alive. this is brutal.
i'm gonna go read the rainbow bridge and sob.
well well well.
i am currently listening to mariah carey mtv unplugged. she is tearing everybody brains' apart and singing so amazingly.
i got to go to austin on thursday night. i went to andy's show. he played with grand child and walker lukens also played. carey was there. i was hoping he'd be there, i wanted to see him. i had ignored him for two years. the entire time i was with ron. it was good to do what catching up we could. i just hope he's happy, and i think he is. i think he's got a lot of good things going right now.
i've really been appreciating wandy more than i ever have as a friend. i feel like he has grown a lot and i just feel like we are becoming better friends. actual friends. ive known him since i was just turning 18. its funny.
i was reading old livejournal entries and its funny how much i have in common with the younger me. using lj to procrastinate, talk about boys, and be hard on myself for making my own life difficult. i am my biggest obstacle.
yesterday made me so happy i could cry thinking about it. amelia, carmen, laurel and i got margs at chuys and waited for the driver friendly boys to get out of band practice. they got out of practice and went to shady grove down the street and were waiting for a table for all of us. we hurried up and went down there. we had all had 2-3 margaritas and were being lulzy. when we got to the patio all the guys booed us and i thought it was really funny. i love them. i sat between wandy and chris in the singles corner. chris walker is so hysterical and amazing, my god. and juan talked about his new rug making job, and we heard lots of stories about vegas and i was laughing so hard. just seeing all of those people in the same place. like the people, minus claire, that i care about more than anybody, would do anything for, all right there, and being happy and drinking and laughing. nothing is more perfect than that. i love them so much.
im so happy thanks to my new job i will be able to go see them more often.
after dinner EVERYONE walked me to my car, which was just about the cutest thing. i felt so loved. i haven't felt loved in a very long time. it was so sweet. just a little silly thing like that. jeremi and laurel and tyler and amelia all got in an argument because somebody paid for somebody to get a lap dance in vegas and i was just like, you guys, shut UP its so much better when we're all happy. i put on beyonce and danced it out with tyler in the front seat. everyone said they would do what i wanted because i was the guest of honor so of course we went to shang.
tyler, amelia, laurel, jeremi, chris walker, andy and i went. justin granger called andy and he was like "where are you?" and andy said, "i'm at shangri la." and justin said, "oh, are you with noelle?" tehe. we had fun and did face juggler app which made me cry laughing. andy with my face looks like analee's brother. jeremi just looks like a filipino girl with laurels face. it was so fucking funny. amelia looked god awful with ty's face on her.
can i just say amelia has been such an amazing friend to me? she is so sweet and supportive. i don't know what i'd do without her. i thank her for not judging me.
ALSO claire has gone above and beyond in her best friend duties the past year and a half... god. she is the best. i thank her for letting me work my shit out and just being supportive but also giving me those lil looks like... are you... kidding me? she's the best.
i've had some peace of mind since attending becker's memorial. i just decided i would let him be with me whenever i needed him. like... i don't have to think of him as dead. i can think of what he'd say in a certain situation and it makes me feel better or stronger or something. i love him so much. he was nothing but amazing and supportive and encouraging to me. i want to pass that on. i don't want that to die with him. and even if i had spent every day with him since his diagnosis, it wouldn't have made his passing any easier. i wouldn't have said, "welp, i spent as much time with him as i could, i'm prepared and this is okay." when somebody means that much to you, there will never be enough time.
mainly i have become just more open and honest about my feelings with people. life is a crazy little accident that we're lucky enough to enjoy. find the good parts, enjoy them. being able to feel emotions is the most incredible thing. i love them all.
i just want to forgive everybody i've ever been mad at and i just want everyone to be happy. this is ridiculous to be typing this out but i don't care. im gonna go tell all my friends i love them. bye.
It is Monday, May 7, 2012, and I have a final tomorrow in history and two finals on Thursday and I really haven't studied but I'm hoping I can pull off some last-minute ness. What I really need to do is go to sleep right now and maybe wake up some time before 1 p.m. (I have work at 2 p.m.).
The caretaker guy that always takes out the junk mail and sweeps up the cigarette butts from outside my door (my upstairs neighbors smoke and just throw shit off the balcony...wait what is an upstairs porch called? A porch is in the front of the house, and... never mind.
Anyway the caretaker guy, Dan, died. And we didn't know. They just...found him. One of those types of situations. And I can't remember the last time I saw him. I feel really weird. The junk mail is like, overflowing and there are cigarette butts everywhere. His car is still in his spot. He used to clean his car very dilligently. A couple weeks ago an ambulance came over because, he said, he fell down in his apartment. And now he's dead.
I think about Professor Becker every day but I keep putting off emailing him. I saw him back in... I don't know, February, and it was really nice but I just cried the whole time. And then Marcia Kinsey died.
I'm trying to be very focused on getting good grades (I got a 95 in math!) but I just... there shouldn't be a week between the end of the semester and finals. I got back into work mode and now I have to plan 11 essays for a final. I really just need to read Huck Finn, which I can do Tuesday, and then find quotes in my books and write an outline inside the cover. I really hope I get an A in English. I will probably get a B in History but my TA dropped a heavy hint that this particular essay would be one of the choices so I am considering focusing entirely on that one. He seems like a trustworthy guy. They also mentioned something about fudging grades if you deserve it or something. Big schools are weird.
I really want to go to Stanford for graduate school but I really need to ask someone if that's even possible coming from UH. Like even if I get all As will it even mean something? I've done a lot of research and am planning to take a variety of lit classes to cover the spectrum. And I have Spanish done and I will maybe go back to studying German and French and maybe that'll be impressive, too. One of my teachers next semester went to Stanford and one went to Harvard so I will be good and friendly with them in hopes of recommendations. I won't be able to enter grad school (assuming I get in anywhere, which I will, because I have confidence now) til Fall 14.
I love my dog so much. She had fleas and I didn't know it cause I never saw them and she has little bites on her back and I feel like a bad dog mom. The fleas are gone now but I just want the bites to heal. It's a little unnerving that it seems as if dogs love you no matter what. I'm like, get a life, develop your own interests! Tula likes to eat dead things in the street and curl up on anything soft to sleep. She is so precious and I loave her.
Alright so this was my attempt to write in my journal again. Oh I had a funny dream about Matt Wieting. There was a very long couch and people like Zach and Claire and Hayley and Matt were sitting on it. I don't know in what time period this dream took place but in my dream I thought it would be a funny joke to sit between Matt and Hayley.
I think I had that dream the night after I was watched One Direction performing on SNL on Youtube. So I was thinking about high school and being a kid and stuff.
I had my 1 year anniversary with Sprinkles and they gave me a bonus. It's very nice.
Oh and at SXSW Ron got me and Claire into the secret mystery Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band concert and I basically was shaking and crying and drinking whiskey cokes the whole time. They played a lot of new stuff but oh god when they played Tenth Avenue Freeze Out, there's the part where he sings "a change was made up town and the Big Man joined the band" and then Clarence does a little sax solo... well during that part the band stopped playing and the audience just cheered on and on and on and it was amazing and just so perfect. I was wondering how they could go on without him but I know he wouldn't want them to stop because he was gone. It was just rhetorically perfect.
My brother is graduating high school and going to UH in the fall. He has to take a couple classes at HCC this summer and prove he is ready for college, and if he makes As or Bs then he is in at UH for good. By the way whenever I have to go to a UH website or something I always say "uhh" like the sound, like if you got punched and you were like uh that hurt. You know, instead of saying "you aitch."
This is kind of interesting just to see where my mind goes. And by interesting I mean the exercise is interesting for me because I'm doing it, not for anyone (me included) reading it.
Okay let's see. I will go get ready for bed and then watch more Parks and Rec and try to go to sleep. Wake up a little bit early and deposit my bonus check ("It's all about my bonus." -Stanley). I still quote the Office, 30 Rock, AD, and Summer Heights High as if they were my actual memories that happened.
Just read that my friends in driver friendly are going to a cabin in the mountains to write and record a new album this summer. that is very exciting. i will always love them. i also read that jeremi is moving to the west coast in august, which is crazy, and so good for him. i'm feeling a bit weird and reading my xanga from like 30 years ago...
how did i go from taking voluntary german lessons (homework and flashcards and all) during the summer to dropping out less than a year later?
before i even go down that shame chute (ha!) i am going to talk about how lately i've been trying to get in touch with my...deepest desires. what type of writing do i really want to do? yes i have a knack for writing like a 12 year old so a teenager book/series seems like a good idea. plus it could be funny and secretly didactic and thoughtful. but i also really love essays and i admire writers that find interesting corners of history or random (i definitely wrote 'radom' first, wow) hobbies (the taxidermy convention essay comes to mind) to explore and expose... so maybe i should consider something more journalistic? magazine writing? is that a dying field? is writing unimportant? am i going to be poor forever?
i need to write an email or facebook message to amelia. i miss her. i miss all my austin friends. i'm sad i have to miss melly's birthday crawfish boil saturday. and i'm sad we're not doing a beach extravaganza for ty's on june 3rd.
i should just go to bed before i get too sad. sorry, y'all.
To make myself feel better I've been reading old journal entries. Right now I'm in the Summer 2007 era where I worked at Urban Outfitters, read Anna Karenina, was in love with hoohoo (Sidebar I put up with a LOT from him! Him puttin his aaaaarm around me and stuff and playing freaky games and stuff...and I thought it all MEANT something. Who KNOWS what it meant to him. I think I was just a place holder, so he wouldn't get too out of practice. I am not bitter but it does seem a bit...terrible...to do that to someone. Then again, I liked it, and then again, it was all not a big deal because it was not meant to be and we never even did ANYTHING in the scale of things.), and I had just gotten my macbook.
In the next couple of days I am going to make serious plans for the next....til I'm 30. What I want to do. It goes like--pay off school loan, get into u of h, go to school, do well, graduate, go to graduate school, get a real job (teacher, editor, copyeditor, assistant prof, writer), consolidate student loans, pay them back, turn 30. also i need to develop a savings account, an emergency fund (bc you KNOW my car is gonna shit out soon (that's not a phrase but let's continue)). I just need to get REAL.
The other day I realized that people either enjoy each period of their life (child hood, teenaged...ness, young adult times, late 20s, 30s, 40s etc., or they keep getting older but stick to their favorite time (like 40 yr old frat dudes), or try to make up for some time that was fucked up (idk, like people that dress up as babies...oh god my brain is so addled what am I talking about?) Why am I making such sweeping generalizations? Anyway I guess I just decided that I am NOT a child anymore, and this is not a joke, and I have to be responsible for my life and accept that my decisions form my life and not anyone doing something TO me, the wand chooses the wizard, except that's the exact opposite of what I just declared, but that's magic so that's okay.
I have a strong desire to just curl up with my Harry Potter or Georgia Nicolson books and make everything go away. Is that okay? I think I just said I'm not a kid anymore, but, whatever...
So, responsibility is this new thing I am going to be trying out. I think being an actual adult can be fun. I'm not really prepared for it. I usually have someone swoop in and save me, but I am just going to start depending on myself.
But at the same time I am going to ask for help and accept help when I need it. It has recently come to my attention that I am extremely stubborn and as a result I have painted myself into quite a few corners. It sucks. So I am trying to learn. From my mistakes. And I am trying to be fair. And...what else.
I need to take a shower.
Today I have eaten
Oatmeal with brown sugar
Grande coffee (free!) with 4 sugars
Plain bagel with cream cheese
Blueberry cereal bar
Barbecue potato chips
Two chocolate chip cookies
Oh yikes, about three pieces of pizza
Good god. Um... that is really terrible. I think I ate my emotions today.
See, this is why I don't write as much in this thing. Because I leave the window open for like an hour and write whatever asinine comments come to my head. Some things should just be kept to oneself. I now feel delirious.